Let`s talk about attachment styles. I guess we all had our fair share of shitty experiences growing up. So a healthy securely attached partner is kinda hard to find. It seems like most of us are screwed up in one way or another. 

And we kinda all have a blind spot when it comes to our own dysfunctional patterns. I personally have a tendency to repeat my relationship mistakes over and over... it`s so frustrating... but don`t you dare to point it out! I am not gonna like it;)

 

Analyzing my relationships` mistakes, I figured I tend to be attracted to avoidant guys. And then of course, they are not capable of giving closeness and connection, and I complain and try to change the guy. That`s the pattern. 

 

But if I ask myself - what is the benefit of being in a relationship with an avoidant guy? The answer comes instantly - FREEDOM. Growing up in a family where enmeshment was seen as closeness, with a very controlling mom, not being allowed to ever have my own opinion on anything - freedom is of an ultimate value to me. Maybe it is also connected to the childhood in USSR, you simply had to be one of the crowd, no step to the right or left is allowed... 

 

So an avoidant guy gives me all the freedom in the world I want. I can go to India to study homeopathy, even if he thinks it`s a stupid idea, he is not going to stop me. He might say he doesn't encourage it, but he is not controlling. I may go to South Korea to a spiritual workshop. I am free to do whatever crazy things I want. That`s a benefit of an avoidant man.

 

However, when I come back from my travels and want to share about my experiences, here it goes downhill. Avoindant cannot be emotionally present to hear what you have to share, not capable of giving meaningful feedback or empathy. He looks like a human being, so you naturally try to find a connection, but he is nowhere to be found. Nobody`s home. Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone. 

 

Avoidant guy is usually socially successful, smart, and has a good job. So I try to appeal to him, thinking he should be able to understand. Wrong! There are different types of intelligence, and emotional intelligence is not an avoidant`s forte. Self-awareness and relationship awareness is very poor.

Oh well, I cannot change anyone but myself. So let it be my focus. And let the past be the past.

 

Suppose you scrub your ethical skin until it shines,

 but inside there is no music, then what?

 

Mohammed`s son pores over words,

and points out this and that, but if his chest is not soaked dark with love, 

then what?

 

The Yogi comes along in his famous orange, 

but if inside he is colorless, then what?

 

Kabir, The Kabir Book